it's not easy...

My mental breakdown is apparently still in full swing despite what I may have previously said. My prior estimates were a bit too optimistic (that doesn't happen very often with me). Since it's hard to write anything that's coherent when you've gone insane I thought I might just post a picture of myself. It's very colorful and I feel it shows off my head very well (this makes sense because it is in fact a picture of my head). I don't know what I was looking at when I took it but it probably wasn't an elephant (I don't own one nor do I think they come small enough to fit on my desk). I probably looked away on purpose to try to make the picture more artistic or some such nonsense. I guess I felt at the time the three colors weren't enough.

I hope this picture brings some sort of satisfaction to you or at least makes you think of Andy Warhol.


"But green's the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree"

--Note--
My aspirations are that I'll be better later this week and will be able to write something about the joys and downfalls of getting completely drunk.

everyone needs to roll in the hay sometime

I've been slacking with the posting lately due to a complete mental breakdown. I think I'm better now. Hard to say though. I think it was a cause of a combination of things, one of them being my computer science course, one being my disposition towards this school, a few other things, and also, I think they put lead paint chips in the food here. I don't know this for sure but I have strong evidence to support it, not the least of it being the fact that the food here tastes like it has lead paint chips in it. Anyway, I thought I'd follow up my recent void in posting with something really catchy. If you're thinking about sex then you're absolutely right.

You all know sex is good but did you know it was this good?

Sex is Necessary

I found this the other day when I was searching the internet for... well, I think it's pretty obvious what I was searching for (I was thinking about making up a lame excuse but I'm an honest guy). It's from Forbes magazine, which until now was a well respected little periodical.

It's actually a pretty serious column and a real eye opener to boot. They reveal a few medical aspects about "the big hoedown" that I was previously unaware off. For instance if you have an erection for too long you can in fact permanently hurt yourself. Something to do with a lack of oxygen and your penis can suffer priapism and the tissue will start to die and I guess it'll eventually fall off or turn blue and explode. I don't know. Sounds rather unpleasant. It'd sure make for a funny conversation with your doctor though.

Man: I have an erection.

Doctor: Congratulations.

Man: But it won't go away.

Doctor: Even better.

Man: No, seriously, I think something's wrong.

Doctor: Slam it in a car door. That'll fix it.

The article also has a slide show. I didn't get through the whole thing. I stopped about half way when I realized I wasn't going to get to see anybody naked.

The article is nice. It's short, but completely pointless. I think what it's trying to say is having sex is actually quite healthy for you but don't overdo it or you might break something.

I was going to write more about this because you can literally have a field day with it but I think I'm going to pull out (had to have at least one bad pun in this one). You should really read it though. It's very stimulating. You'll get a real tickle out of it.

--Note--
If any good looking ladies out there feel they aren't getting enough sex after reading this I would be more than happy to help them out. No problem. No problem at all. Totally pro-bono. I'm here to please.

"We gave her everything we owned just to sit at her table
Just a smile would lighten everything
Sexy Sadie she's the latest and the greatest of them all."

notice

Dear People Who Read My Blog-

I'd like to start this by saying that you're all a bunch of tactless lowbrows whose boorishness is only rivaled by your inability to perform in bed (I realize I haven't knocked boots with any of you but I'm going through the motions in my mind and you're all terrible, I mean really pathetic). Your woeful inability to please your parter must be what has given rise to your deplorable conduct which I have so recently had to endure. I can't think of any other possible reason for it or at least am too lazy and/or too perverted to.

Think about this:
"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."

You know who said that? Eric Fucking Hoffer. And you know what the motto of Winchester College and New College, Oxford is?

"Manners maketh man."

William of Wykehersomethingorother said that sometime during the 14th century and he was British so you better take him seriously. If England is known for anything, they're known for this guy and they're known for etiquette (okay, so I made that up, when I envision England I think of a big clock, a bad book series, an ugly airport, some pointy tower, crumpets, Kate Beckinsale, Aston Martins, Bond, a playwright named Bill , and for some reason which I can't figure out, penguins).

You may be asking yourself why I am offended. I'm upset because in my last post I asked for advice and you know how much I received? Absolutely none. I got one comment and it was about as much help as a pair of socks would be to guy who already has a bunch of socks (sweet Jesus did that analogy suck).

I was clearly reaching out for help and what do I get in return? One lame ass reply from my friend about how disappointed he was that now he wouldn't be able to meet the girl in question. Try a little empathy you worthless freeloaders.

If you read my blog (I know there's at least nine people who do), the least you could do is post a god damn comment once in a while, especially when advice is asked for. Is it really that hard. You hit a little button and type something (even the people who read this can figure that out). But apparently I'm not even worth the trouble to you.

I was looking for a little validation in my life but I guess I came up short. Be ashamed. I hate you all.

Love,
Matt

p.s. Some people do occasionally post but I still hate you.

p.p.s. My computer is making this beeping sound whenever I type and I can't get it to stop. I think it might be slowly driving Matt insane (or more insane) so don't take anything I say too personally. But, comments would be nice. Thanks.


"Do yah dot'n duy
ba da dot'n duy yah
oo-ee dot'n duy.
Oo-ee zabba duy
do yah zabba dabba
doo-ee dot'n duy.
Zoo-ee bah dabba do yah
da da do-yah dabba
da da ba-da da da DWEE-a dada!
da da ba-da da da DWEE-a dada!
AAAIIII!!"

get back

Apple today released their new Powermacs (this might be lost on those who aren't computer savvy). If you want, you can pick one up, maxed out with 16 gigabytes of DDR2 RAM, 1 terabyte of hard drive space, two dual core 64 bit PPC G5 processors, an Nvidia Quadro FX 4500 graphics card with 512 megabytes of RAM, and two 30 inch HD displays, all for the low, low price of $24,000. A real steal. They're practically giving them away. I think I might pick up two; use them as bookends they're so cheap.

So, you're probably thinking to yourself, "What could you possibly need a computer that costs as much as a car for? What would you do with it?"

Answer: Smut. Lots of it. Really. Think about it. With two 30 inch displays, running at 2560 by 1600 each, that's 8,192,000 pixels of perverted goodness to be had. To put it another way, that's six different porn sites you can be looking at at the same time or two full size high definition movies - 60 inches of crystal clear filth - that's life size (unless you watch some really nasty porn that is). You won't have to worry about slowdown either with that much RAM and processing power. Also, with a terabyte of hard drive space, you can store a boatload of video. I mean, damn, that's a lot of sex to be watched.

That's what these things are really for. More porn faster. Sure, you get those guys who are like, "Yeah, I like to do a lot of video editing and graphics design on this baby." No you don't. You like to download a lot of dirty videos. The only video editing and graphics design you do on that thing is erotica related. You're not fooling anyone. You payed that much for a machine that could indulge all your secret vices. There's absolutely no other reason to drop 24 grand on a computer.

So, pornography fans rejoice (everyone who reads this probably), with $24,000 and a good internet connection you can essentially never leave your house again.


Also in the news today: The anonymous lady friend of mine that I sort of like hates me now. I must have that effect on people. Doesn't bother me most of the time because I dislike a large majority of the people I know but when you're trying to get a girl to like you, getting her to despise you first is widely considered a bad idea.

This is how it went: We were having a perfectly normal conversation, I made a joke, now I'm an asshole.

Lesson: Don't make jokes about serious matters, especially when they're not very good jokes to begin with; that just makes it worse.

I apologized profusely but it doesn't matter. She even said it was okay, but I know I am now forever deemed an inconsiderate ass in her mind. She's also leaving in a month to pursue her endeavors somewhere else. I have about thirty days to make her stop hating me and start loving me.

So, you know what I'm going to do?

Me neither. I might cry about it though. Please comment if you think of something.

"Your mother's waiting for you
Wearing her high-heel shoes
And her low-neck sweater
Get on home Loretta"

video blogs

Not a big fan of them.

requires quicktime 7
my salute to video blogs.mp4

requires quicktime 6 or higher
my salute to video blogs.mov

The first is better quality but if you don't have the latest version of quicktime use the second one.

Ninja Attack

Warning: I did a double shot of NyQuil before I wrote this.


I really wanted to write something about this before but I've been busy attempting to move things with my mind.

This is my first movie as an aspiring director and writer. It's not very good but I thought I should post something about it.

I'm thinking what I'm going to do is write a review about it as if it wasn't my movie and I was someone else. This should hopefully ensure that there's no bias in it. I haven't not been me since, well, a can't remembering not being me because if I wasn't me, and doing it properly, I obviously wouldn't remember it. As far as I know, this will be a first. Here it goes:



If you've got twenty minutes free to do whatever you want, spending that time in an attempt to bite your own ear off (Vincent Van Gogh meets Mike Tyson) would be a better use of it then watching this pathetic excuse for an amateur film. I don't know what the director was going for but it was about as inspiring as taking a shit - without that sense of accomplishment afterwards.

The story of Ninja Attack is that of some low budget horror movie but not as good because in those type of movies you at least get to see some chick topless; you want your vapid movie sundae with at least a topping of nudity. If it's going to be unoriginal, it should at least be indecent is what I say.

--whoever this reviewer is (Matt DeVall pretending not to be Matt DeVall) he's obviously a very unpleasant person and I (Matt DeVall acknowledging himself as Matt DeVall) don't think I'm going to have him write here anymore--

Watching this movie reminded me of the time I had to get my prostate checked - it felt horrible and I was really glad when it was over. That whole feeling in general - getting something jostled up your ass - basically sums up the flick. The ending is the same way. It's sort of a trick. This would be like when you realize the doctor had both his hands on your shoulders when the supposed tool was manhandled into place.

The plot is a mindless little romp about three men who get attacked by some sort of ninja (think Bruce Lee but slower and substantially fatter). They have to fight it off and all but one die. The writing, quite frankly, is only rivaled in it's wretchedness by the acting, which can only be described as an abomination to all things. The only facet that keeps you going is some decent camera work and a solid soundtrack but both these things are thwarted by terrible sound work, bad lighting, and badly choreographed fight scenes. The Ninja must have been coached at dog training school because I've seen better moves at the Special Olympics. A retarded man with cerebral palsy could have looked more professional than that flamer.

The director, Matt DeVall, is obviously a fucking retard and needs to spend a little less time stroking his penis and more time honing his almost non existent talent.

Only watch this if you like pain.

Not Matt DeVall official rating: D+

--Note--
So that guy clearly isn't much fun. I thought the movie showed some good effort and I would actually commend the actors, and especially the director (I heard that guy is pretty sexy too) on a job well done. It shows promise.

pillows... you soft and comfy bastards

I just found out pillows are evil.

http://www.realtechnews.com/posts/1969

This is very troubling for me. I always figured they were the last thing that could ever harm me. They're so soft and lovable. I felt safe in my bed with my down pillow. Not anymore. Now I sleep in fear.

What the hell is the world coming to when something so seemingly benign as a pillow can cause disease? What's next? Teddy bears cause cancer? Santa Clause is a pedophile? God damn you world.

"We know that pillows are inhabited by the house dust mite which eats fungi, and one theory is that the fungi are in turn using the house dust mites’ faeces as a major source of nitrogen and nutrition (along with human skin scales). There could therefore be a ‘miniature ecosystem’ at work inside our pillows."

Professor Ashley Woodcock said that and with a name like Woodcock, you've got to take her seriously. But, honestly, I don't want to know that sort of thing. Ignorance is bliss. I would have been perfectly happy never finding out about this, but apparently I don't even get the pleasure of sleeping in comfort now. Our air is killing us, our water is bad for us, they put scary stuff in our food that's hurting us, and now it turns out our pillows, former allies, have turned against us. They have chosen the dark side.

Dear Pillow,
I thought you were my friend. Fuck you.
Love,
Matt

Tonight, I rest my head on a rock.

"I've got every reason on earth to be mad,
'Cause I've just lost the only girl I had.
If I could get my way, I'd get myself locked up today,
But I can't so I cry instead."

Serenity

I saw this movie opening day (September 30th) and have been putting off writing about it because I'm afraid I can't do it justice. In fact, I know I can't. It's hands down one of the greatest science fiction movies ever made and one of my new personal favorites. Unfortunately it's not making any money at the box office, despite raving reviews, and will probably go down as a cult classic. Some may say it was a cult classic before it was even released since it was based on a short lived TV show. I think it's just hard for sci fi to do well these days (The Island for example - the movie wasn't great but it should have done better than it did). I also think people had trouble discerning exactly what Serenity was about. The trailer, while good, was a little helter-skelter and there were no big name actors/actresses in it at all. Or, maybe people are just a bunch of mindless imbeciles who couldn't tell a good movie from a porno involving big men and small furry animals (or small men and large furry animals - any combination of the two really).

The proletariat view of cinema is rather lousy is what I'm saying (yes, I'm an elitist when it comes to film). To demonstrate this - Into the Blue opened opposite of Serenity, which is a movie about Jessica Alba's ass if I remember correctly, and as my friend put it - "Jessica Alba's ass always wins." Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of her (and by her I'm still referring to her ass of course) but she doesn't need to have a whole movie devoted to her; modeling or working as a striper would do just fine. Seeing Ms. Alba in a thong is certainly a worth while experience but it's not like she's naked in it and it's not like she's going to come out of the screen and give you a lap dance either. If you want that sort of thing, go down to Hooters and inappropriately rub up against the girls there... or just do what I do and sit at home and rub your hand up and down inappropriately on your... to quote George Carlson, "I feel I've gone too far." On with the review

To put it in perspective, I'm a huge Star Wars fan (we're talking the original three here, not the seven hours worth of garbage Lucas put out this past decade) and I can say without hesitation it's easily as good as the first three. I would actually say it's better than either A New Hope or Return of the Jedi and on par with Empire Strikes Back (clearly the best one). This was the best movie I've seen all year. If I were to make a list of my top five, it would be on it, right up there with Grosse Pointe Blank, Pulp Fiction, High Fidelity, Aliens, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Blade Runner, Forest Gump, Goodwill Hunting, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Kinky Teenage Catgirls in Heat Volume IV, Big Gaping... well, I like a lot of movies as you can see (a lot more than five).

Earnestly, I can't really talk much about this movie I liked it so much. All I can say is that it was flawless - story, acting, writing, directing, score - it was all exceptional.

Joss Whedon is the man behind the film. He's been around a while but this is his directorial debut. He's simply a phenomenal director and, in contrast to George Lucas, knows that the reason we liked Star Wars was because of Han Solo and not the Jedi (not to say Jedi aren't bad ass but they're completely one dimensional). At least, that's why I liked it. Solo wasn't such a straightforward "good guy" like the rest. The lead character in Serenity, Malcolm Reynolds, reminds me of him in that regard - he's very flawed but still likable. Even the "bad guy" in Serenity consists of shades of grey. I get sick of the stereotypical characters in movies these days and I think Whedon's creation breaks away from the formula. This isn't to say that it doesn't have some typical Hollywood moments in it, but he does them so well that it works out.

I actually haven't heard anything bad about this movie from anyone who has seen it (I suppose if I googled it I could find some asshole who didn't enjoy it although I'd be surprised that he took the time off from watching his animal porn to go see it). Check it out at IMDB. Just do a search there and it's the first result.

www.imdb.com

They have user driven reviews here. Serenity is sitting with an 8.5 which is really, really good - the godfather is the highest ranked movie with an even 9.0. An 8.5 should make Serenity about the 25th greatest movie ever made but it hasn't gotten enough reviews yet.

Just go see this movie. It's impressive. You won't regret it. The characters Whedon has created are some of the best in movie history. It can compete with any of the classics but of course will never be compared to them because it's a sci-fi action flick. Even if you're not a fan of this type of movie, I would still suggest renting it when it comes out. It might surprise you.

Take a hike Lucas, Whedon is my master now.

Matt DeVall official rating: A+

--Note--
I think I may have said something last post about me cutting down on the nasty and disturbing images. As you can plainly see, I was lying when I said that. Sorry.

It has also come to my attention that some people actually read my blog. Get a life people. That's almost as sad as me writing it.

too many questions

A while ago (around the middle of my senior year) I received one of those silly emails where you're asked a bunch of questions and you're suppose to answer them and forward it to all of your friends who will then supposedly read and meticulously replace your answers with their own and send it on. Then the whole process repeats itself. It's about as exciting as masturbating to Looney Tunes but I bothered to take the time and fill this one in. I can't say I took it completely seriously.

I'm going home today and I didn't really feel like coming up with anything original to put on here so I'm simply going to post my answers to the questioner. I think next time I'm going to make my own and send it out to all my friends. I'm pretty confident I can make one much more interesting than the one I received.

1. What time do you get up?  6:58 for school  
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Penelope Cruz, oh, wait, eat lunch, not have sex. I have no idea.
3. Gold or silver?   That's not even a question, what about gold and silver?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Kill Bill vol. 2 for the third time.
5. What is/are your favorite TV show(s)?  Firefly is my favorite show of all time, though it's off the air now, it never finished a full season, and they never show repeats of it. What a bunch of bastards. I hate Fox.
6. What did you have for breakfast?   Coffee.
7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Err... a zombie, I hate zombies.
8. What/who inspires you?  I inspire myself. Honestly I don't know of anyone as awesome as I am.
9. What is your middle name?    Sexy.
10. Beach, City or Country?  I think the person who wrote this is an idiot.
11. Favorite ice cream?   Super chocolate fudge swirl fudge chocolate blast crazy awesome fudge. That's probably not an actual ice cream flavor.
12. Butter or Plain popcorn? Who would eat raw butter?
13. Favorite color?  Sexy green. That's probably not a color either.
14. What kind of car do you drive?   1974 BMW 2002
15. Favorite sandwich? I had a favorite sandwich but I ate him.  
16. What characteristic do you despise? Characteristic of what? I don't know, I guess hate wet toast.
17. Favorite flower? The Flower of Greatness
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?   How would I know where I would like to go if I haven't been there yet?
19 What color is your bathroom?   Bathroom colored.
21. Where would you like to retire?   I'm still young.
22. Favorite day of the week? Depends on what's happening on what day of that particular week.
23. What did you do for your last birthday?  I ate cake and wore a silly hat.
24. Where were you born? In a hospital.
25. Favorite sport to watch?   Tennis.
26. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Me. 
27. Person you expect to send it back first?   Not me.
28. What fabric detergent do you use?  Seriously, this question is just dumb.
29. Coke or Pepsi?  Yes.
30. Are you a morning person or a night owl?    I'm just a person.
31. Do you have any pets? I have a plant, his name is plant.

As you can plainly see, this is one of the more retarded things you can do with your time. I'm guessing it's somewhere between smoking crack and having anal sex with yourself (I said that as a joke. It better not be possible and if it is I sure as hell don't want to meet the sicko who can do it).

--Note--
It's come to my attention that my blog is getting more and more obscene and I'm starting to convey images that are beginning to freak out even me. I'm going to try and tone it down a bit. Less swearing and less buggering and such.

"And it's bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog"

happy birthday Sarah

I really don't know what to get my sister for her birthday. She's rather girly so I'm having a bit of trouble. She's not like my one aunt, who got, I'm not joking, a pair of work gloves, a box cutter, and a case of shotgun shells of her birthday. No, she's not a lesbian, just really utilitarian I guess.

Anyhow, my friend's girlfriend suggested I get her either a bra and/or a vibrator. Both were good suggestions but I didn't go with either of them because I new I wouldn't feel comfortable getting her a bra and I was afraid if I got her a vibrator I'd end up just keeping it for myself (that was a joke - I already have a vibrator).

I want to get her something personal, something that she would remember, something touching... wow, I really should have gotten her the vibrator (there's only so far you can take a joke and I think this one is at its end but I can't guarantee it won't come back later on in the post). So, I haven't got her anything yet. I'm off to the mall again today to look for something. My mom told me to get her bedsheets (this reminds me of that line from Toy Story - "Bedsheets? Who invited that kid?"). I couldn't think of a worst gift if I tried. Well, I can actually. A dead weasel with a note that says "unlike this dead weasel, my love for you will never die" is unarguably a worse gift. I think that joke might be a rip off of a Dilbert but I'm not sure.

No, I fancy getting my sister something trendy and totally impractical. I don't want it to have any sort of use or functionality whatsoever. Something that exists entirely for entertainment purposes only.

I just need to find her something she will actually enjoy to counteract all the junk everyone else is going to get her which will be things that everyone should have and not things that you would want to get for your birthday. This is a very common practice in my family. We're constantly getting stuff that you really shouldn't have to ask for. I think we got my sister desk supplies last year, seriously, like tacks and stuff.

"And what's this? Rubberbands and paperclips?! Yay! I've really needed some more of these."

It's just sad. One time, for Christmas, I got a hat from my aunt (different aunt) that she literally found on the side of the road (this was actually a pretty cool gift) which is fine because I know she doesn't have a lot of money and we have a huge extended family but you're still always hoping for at least one good present. This usually does happen, our mom gets us something good that we asked for but I'm afraid my sister might be missing out this year.

So, I'm going to find her something I know she'll like. I'm on a mission. I've got $50 and I'm going to get my sister something cool for her birthday if it kills me.

"And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
A daydream will last long into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears
Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years
What a day for a daydream
Custom made for a daydreaming boy
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreaming 'bout my bundle of joy"

A History of Violence

If you're a fan of blood and sex, you definitely won't want to miss this movie (and who isn't a fan of either of these things, especially sex, got to love sex). It's horribly violent in a down to earth sort of way and has a few of the more bawdy, maybe even debauched, sex scenes I've seen in a while. Really, the first went on until it became almost comical. You know how most sex scenes in movies these days start with some kissing and groping but then do some lame fade out before it gets interesting? See, what they like to do is skirt the issue and not show you the good stuff, leaving it to your imagination to put the actresses in wanton positions (this is fine really because I can think up all sorts of lecherous things for them to do in my mind, but it's still nice to see it once and a while). Anyway, this one kept going after the kissing point, and let me tell you, it got very interesting. Legs were spread, arms put in funny places, heads put between spread legs, kissing going on in obscene areas, and... well, you get the idea. You get to see Maria Bello full frontal too. Oh joy.

The only thing better than the lewd parts were the bloody parts. Some of it was outright nasty but not in the tawdry horror movie type of way. It was gory in a very graphic, lifelike way, and I think that's why it was kind of disturbing. It didn't try to be overly gruesome for effect, it simply tried to attain the highest degree of realism; at least that's the impression I got. I've never actually seen anyone get shot in the head before so I don't know for sure, but I have seen those messed up Faces of Death type things and it reminded me of that. The gore in the movie just came off as brutally realistic to me. The sex scenes were the same way; they appear very believable (I REALLY wish I had some experience here to compare it to but sadly I do not).

Blood and sex, now only if they could mix the two...

Oh, and the story was good too. The writing was a little flimsy in spots, especially the beginning which suffered from some truly terrible lines being said, but the script had plenty of good moments to counteract it. The turn of events were quite exciting and it built up to a great climax with a very good ending that had lots of possibilities so you couldn't nail it down before hand.

I wouldn't recommend this one to everyone, especially if you're the Gone with the Wind, sappy ass, Chocolate, listen to Steeley Dan, drive a VW Beetle, pogo stick hoping, tofu eating, weight watching, natural fibers, wimp. If you don't do any of those things though you'll probably like it. Hell, even if you do some of those things you might like it. Basically, if you're a promoter of total and utter awesomeness, then check this one out.

Matt DeVall official rating: B+

what the hell happened to Columbus Day?

This is a good example of how much I hate SUNY Albany:

Everybody and their fucking dog had Monday off from school. I've been getting Columbus Day off ever since I can remember. For an entire thirteen years I've had that day free to do whatever I wanted but apparently The University at Albany is just too fucking good for old Christopher Columbus. The guy sailed the ocean blue and what does he get from this institution? The middle finger is what he gets. Here's what this college thinks of Columbus - picture that scene in Pulp Fiction in the gunshop basement, but instead of Ving Rhames tied up with the man behind him, picture a sailor with the Spanish flag shoved in his mouth, wearing a silly hat and getting an astrolabe jammed up his ass by a man with a "Go U-Albany" shirt on.

Finding America and telling the civilized world about it is apparently a trivial piece of history here at my college. The guy goes and decides to sail across the fucking Atlantic Ocean back in 1492 in some piece of shit wooden boat with absolutely no idea what he's going to find, eating god knows what for the three month journey, and getting his ass handed to him by what is considered the worst storm of the century, only to make one the most monumental discoveries in modern history.

What does U-Albany have to say: "Pussy. Swim it and then we'll talk."

What I say: "Take your purple and gold flag and strangle yourself with it with it you ungrateful scumbags. Give me Columbus Day off."

Where would you be if it weren't for good old Chris and the Santa Marie? You'd be sitting at your house somewhere in Europe with a stupid accent and bad hygiene. Time to be patriotic people. This is America and there clearly aren't enough red, white, and blue "Support Our Troops" flags on the back of our SUVs to call off such a day like Columbus Day. Time to step it up people. And at a state university. I expected more. Real patriots celebrate columbus day. They get out a big fucking flag and dress up. They bust out their sailor outfits and take perverted pictures of themselves. They at least drink a beer and masturbate. If you Albany State administrators want to be called Americans, try being a little less churlish you thankless fuckwads (I've always liked that last word, though I can't exactly say I know what one is). You're pathetic and you disgust me. Shame on you.

I get Thursday off.... what the fuck is that? Thursday? What am I going to do with a Thursday off? Sit around and wait for Friday? It's completely worthless. Mondays and Fridays folks, that's what it's all about.

--Note--
Christopher Columbus was a total fool and a horrible person too. He thought he had landed in India for Christ sake. He had no idea where he was and when he got here all he could think about was how easy it would be to manipulate the natives. He was the first European to transport slaves Eastward across the Atlantic and is essentially the founder of the Atlantic Slave Trade and the whole Middle Passage ordeal. In his own personal journal he has accounts of using the native women as sex slaves. So, yeah, a real swell guy that Christopher Columbus. That whole bit above is complete shit in fact (make sure you ignore that stuff about patriotism, that's especially stupid). I'm just mad because the only good thing the guy ever did was to get me a day off from school and now I don't even get to enjoy that. They should just make it in recognition of someone else. Make it, say, Matt DeVall Day - "Matt DeVall: the guy who didn't rape women and commit genocide" - and that's more than you can say about Columbus.

physics notes II

My notebook reads:

"Sitting here in my rigid and horribly unpleasant green chair and desk combo, whose blotchy blue writing surface makes me think of a bloody yet strangely satisfying Smurf massacre, I can't help but wonder that maybe I picked the wrong major. I ponder said idea because while I stare at three whole whiteboards covered with blue, red, green, and black equations (I'd like to note at this point, in another one of my overly long parenthesized interjections, that if a random someone were to look at this mess on the board it would undoubtedly look to them like the ramblings of a man who thought about physics too long and ended up going completely mad, which would make sense because my physics professor clearly lost it and went insane years ago) I find myself slowly realizing that I couldn't give a flying fuck about how many Joules of work it takes to push a 45 kg cart up a frictionless surface inclined at 23 degrees. Seriously, that's just dumb."

Thinking about what I wrote now, maybe I would like physics more if we solved for something interesting like, say, I don't know, how much force would it take to jam a piece of construction reinforcement bar through the professor's head.

Feeling a bit silly today:
"Aw, Aw baby, Yeah, ooh Yeak, huh, listen to this
Spy on me baby use satellite
Infrared to see me move through the night
Aim gonna fire shoot me right
Aim gonna like the way you fight
And I love the way you fight"

--Tom Jones is an ass - those lyrics don't even make sense--

fuzzy goodness all around

After that last post I was thinking that I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine these days. College at the wonderful institution that is The University at Albany is about as terrible as I imagined it would be so it sort of put a damper on my already drab outlook on life. I'm not sure if I want to be normally like this (or if I care either way for that matter) but if you asked my friends about my blog they would probably tell you it's a pretty good representation of my usual mood. But, since I don't want to be total downer, I thought I would post something positive to try to counteract what I have previously said. We're going for all out happy this time, let's see how I do (I was going to post in a jovial color too, like blue or green, but this piece of shit blogging application won't let me change the font)... going to try not to swear too much also.

happy |ˈhapē| adjective ( -pier , -piest )1 feeling or showing pleasure or contentment : I was happy when Melissa gave me fellatio.
--from my Oxford American Dictionary--
(except for the sentence, I changed that a bit)

I tried to get into a jubilant mood for this one. I put on my favorite song - Sweet Jane by The Velvet Underground, I'm wearing my favorite shirt, I just put on a fresh pair of socks, and I put the words "fuzzy goodness" in the title of this post. I'm also drinking a raspberry Snapple, humming along to the words of Lou Reed, and am currently fondling myself, and let me tell you it's hard to drink Snapple, type, and fondle yourself all at the same time. It's actually beginning to get really frustrating so I think I'm going to have to stop doing one of those things... I definitely don't want to stop fondling myself...

Well, that joke went on long enough. I go for happy but I end up being perverted. That probably says something about me but I'm not going to think about it.

As I was writing this I found out this lady friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend (damn would I feel awkward if it turns out she reads my blog). I'm thinking my chances with her have improved slightly, up from the level one "snowball in hell" stage to about the level 3 "maybe if I get her drunk enough" stage, possibly even to the level 4 "getting back at the old boyfriend so I'm going to sleep with the first guy who shows an interest in me" stage. But, one can only hope this is the case. It's good news at any rate (it would have been even better if her boyfriend had been the victim of a tragic combine accident but that's probably too much to ask for).

Trying to think of something else I can say that's positive about my current stay here at the armpit of higher education. I bought a new pair of pants. I'm wearing them now. They're alright. I uhhh.... I ate a pretty decent sandwich earlier today and I found an old CCR album on my hard drive that I had misplaced. I also finally got to use the word fuliginous in a sentence which I had been meaning to do for some time.

Okay, so that was my happy post. Don't know what else to say. From here on out it's miserable bastard posts riddled with sarcasm and swearing.

"Oh, a storm is threat’ning
My very life today
If I don’t get some shelter
Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away"

me slowing losing it

My friend said to me about my blog:
"You are just coherent enough to seemingly make sense, but loosely formed enough to make the reader think you might be insane."

While I'm not entirely sure I make sense, I definitely have to agree with me maybe being insane.


I've been wanting to post something but I've been at a loss these past few days as to what the subject should be. I didn't want to post some trite little quip about life or the usual sarcastic banter about how my week was progressing, nor did I want to do any Haiku which somebody actually suggested to me. These things have become casual and even mundane. I want to be orginal. But, since my day today has been so unbelievably, devastatingly, irrevocably bad, I'm going to do all three of those things just to spite whatever fucking deity runs this sad, pathetic excuse of an existence. And, (yes, I start sentences with conjunctions a lot) just in case there is no god (actually I'm an atheist so this is what I'm betting on), I hope somebody reads the Haiku at the end of this thing and fucking kills themselves it's so bad because that would at least bring some sort of weird masochistic satisfaction to my life (hahaha - I jest... no really I do).

If life was an ocean and I was an object on this endless sea, I'd be floating on it exactly the way a rock wouldn't right now (I tried to have that make sense but I'm not sure it does or at least it doesn't make sense the way I would like it to). That's my quip for this post. It might not even be a quip but I don't care. Actually, what the hell is a quip?

Now for some sarcastic banter. Well, this whole thing is pretty god damn sarcastic so I don't really think I have to worry about this one but just to be sure - my day today was a rollercoaster of unparalleled excitement and glee that I hope never ends, rather we end up crashing when the stupid fucking cart derails because we've been riding the rickety old bitch so long and we go flying off the track with big smiles on our faces to land abruptly and die when we hit a lava lamp factory (okay, that was more weird than sarcastic). There's a lot of metaphors here for some reason. I'd like to think there's some deeper meaning here but there really isn't; I'm just making this stuff up off the top of my head. Feel free to think about them for long periods of time though if that's your thing. Or don't, I wouldn't.

Haiku. Five, seven, five right? Okay then. Chew on this God, you nonexistent bastard.

all alone at night
think of you and die a bit
go pound sand up your...

once upon a dream
thinking about clouds i guess
that is what I thought

a pen on my floor
i lean down and pick it up
i put it away

Ha. I wrote three of those things in about thirty seconds. You thought it was going to be one but then they just kept coming and sweet jesus are they bad. How do you like them apples? (I might just be talking to the voices in my head at this point so I wouldn't take any of this personally) Yeah, you. You think it's funny, huh? School on Columbus Day. Well, up yours. I don't even care about the Physics exam I failed with flying colors, I'll bounce back. You can't stop me. There's no stopping the Matt Freight Train of Academic Prowess. I don't even care that I feel so sick and have a ton a work to do and have only gotten two hours a sleep. But, you know what? The leaving the keys at home was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. It broke me. I'm done. Sitting outside my dorm with all my bags for three hours got me. I give up. You win.

Good. Now that that's done I'm going to take a nap.

"Well I'm finding it harder
to be a gentleman every day
all the manner that I've been taught
have slowly died away
but if I held the door open for you
It would'nt make your day"

Saw (living up to a name this bad is tough, but this movie sure as hell did it)

I actually wrote this a while ago for a newspaper my friend put out at school. I decided to post it because another friend mentioned it the other day.


I was recently subjected to an hour and forty two minutes worth of mind numbing light and noise called Saw (the movie is about as bad as its name, maybe worse). It was recommended to me by a person who has questionable tastes. Out of the five of us that watched it, three liked it and two of us did not. How then can this movie be bad if three out of five people approve? Simple. People are dumb.

This movie was obviously aimed at the younger crowd who take enjoyment from watching sick, twisted imagery move across the screen (these are the same type of people who are distracted by flashy lights and bright colors). Which is fine. Except why make a movie out of it? Well, because all those people who get their jollies off from being disturbed and grossed out will go see it and it will make lots of money. Which is fine again, except innocent bystanders like me, who still had that piece of their brain that this movie takes away, will watch it and part of them will die.

The director of this piece of nonsensical garbage, that somehow is considered entertainment (kinda like going to a slaughterhouse is entertaining, except it isn't), is James Wan. He has brought us other great movies such as... absolutely nothing. His movie career started and will hopefully end with this waste of energy.

There's probably a point to this movie but it is beyond my insight to find. It does have a twist ending, which is about the best part of the movie (I mean when it's actually over and you can go do something else). It's all extremely predictable except the end, but to be fair, even this wasn't a complete surprise. I admit I didn't see it coming but I knew there was going to be a twist, I was just waiting for it, and when it did come it's not like you fall out of your seat or anything.

The plot basically goes like this. There's this killer who takes people and does awful things to them because it makes him happy or something. That's about it. They don't ever explain his motives. The victims in the film haven't done anything wrong as far as I can tell, either.

So you expect the typical bad guy gets the good guy then the good guy finally gets the bad guy and everyone is happy but instead you get the bad guy gets the good guy then the bad guy gets the good guy again and again because the good guys all behave like complete morons (they literally have guns pointed at the guy twice but don't kill him) and then the bad guy gets away which would be cool if there was something likable about the bad guy (Silence of the Lambs for instance) but there isn't. You never really get to know him, except that he's a messed up sicko, and he sounds like an impersonation of an elephant impersonating Alan Rickman impersonating the movie trailer guy (he leaves little audio tapes for his victims to find and think about - yeah, he's that tricky).

The movie culminates when poor Cary Elwes, in a fit of nonsensical rage, hacks his foot off with a Saw (oh my god! that's where the name comes from, how original). Honestly, I doubt Mr. Elwes even had to act here. Was probably just saying to himself, "What the fuck happened to my carreer! Ahhhh!!! I can actually act. I gotta get the fuck out of here!" And Danny Glover? Come on. Even he can do better than this and that motherfucker was in Predator 2. Yes, Predator 2 is a step up from this. Did these guys not get a copy of the script or something? Monica Potter is in it too. Granted, she hasn't done much but good god, star in porn before you do a movie like Saw (I really wouldn't mind if Monica Potter did porn actually).

I have to stop before I hurt myself. Basically, the whole movie doesn't amount to anything except maybe an aneurysm and a trip to your psychologist. Watching it ranks somewhere between a nosebleed and listening to Michael Bolton music on the fun-o-meter. The only thing that could have saved this film would have been an explicit sex scene, but it didn't even have that (joking - the movie would still have been lousy). This one is definitely only for people who are stupid.

Matt DeVall official rating: F

today wasn't great... I have higher hopes for tomorrow

I own a green jacket. That being said, I think I look pretty god damn snazzy in it. Well, maybe not damn snazzy but I look downright okay... at least from the front. Not so much from the side. Lookin good from front though... well I look alright. The lighting has to be right... and I have to be standing a certain way or else it doesn't hang properly... helps if it's dark out... okay it's not a great jacket but you should see my hair.

I mention my jacket because the other day a man who appeared to be suffering from massive amounts of inbreeding (think wolfman meets wolfman's mom) said to me "Hey buddy, you think that jacket makes you look cool or something?" Can't say if those were his exact words because I was so taken aback with the knowledge that somebody this ugly actually existed that I might not have heard him properly. But somehow I managed to say "I have absolutely no misconceptions about how not cool this jacket is." Unfortunately that's all I said. I should have come up with something better.

I should have said something along the lines of "People like you should invest in this sort of thing. It would really take the focus off that thing you call a face." Or maybe something along the lines of "Listen here Sasquatch, go back to the circus if you want to make fun of people. You wish you had a jacket this cool you worthless piece of shit."

Of course I didn't say anything of the sort because the guy looked like he could rip me apart if he wanted to. I'm not going to pick a fight with a neanderthal, especially one who looked like he didn't have much to lose. What was going to happen? Mess up his face in a fight?

Anyway, I was very disappointed in the outcome of the conversation. He's lucky I wasn't packing heat though because that would have been the end of him (that sentence is pretty pointless and doesn't represent my thoughts at all, I've just always wanted to be able to say packing heat semi seriously). The moral here is you can't win fights with people who look like their pets, especially if their pet is a 7 foot tall walking man beast gorilla mixed with a tank and a brick wall, they're just too scary.

I do take some consolation in the fact that I'll probably succeed in life while Mr. Too Good To Wear A Green Jacket missing link guy will probably spend the rest of his days lifting stuff and eating paint chips.

On a high note though, I received a picture of this really attractive girl I know, who will remain anonymous, from a friend of mine, who shall also remain unknown, wearing next to nothing (the girl was wearing next to nothing I mean, not the person who sent it to me). So, yeah, I was happy. I bet Grizzly Face didn't get that. The closest he probably ever comes to a girl is when he has sex with his sister.

To end with a quote: "Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of special effort."