my fatherless father's day

After my dad let my birthday pass without so much as a phone call to me, I called him the following day to wish him a happy Father's Day. I talked and he ignored, never making any mention of his only son's birthday. There isn't anything quite like going completely unnoticed by the man who made your existence possible. He promised help a while ago with getting me a car to get back and forth to college; he use to take a small interest in my life but now he's completely dismissive whenever we talk. He's trying to say goodbye as nicely as he can.

I think, regrettably, I must say goodbye to him now. I keep telling myself he cares but it's finally time I accept my father's new life; a life without me. He has a new wife, a new daughter, a new business, a new house, and a new car. There's no room in there for me. I wasn't trying to take up too much space, I just wanted a small slice of his life, but no piece of time is small enough for me, none of his fleeting thoughts are worthy of my image.

A bit of a catharsis for me. If he wants to leave me behind I will let him do so without a fuss. It's okay now.


Dear Dad,

I did my best to make you love me. Maybe I didn't do enough, maybe I'm just not worth it. Whatever it is, it's alright. I do not hate you. I hold no resentment towards you. You did more than you had to. At twenty years of age now I expect absolutely nothing on your part. I free you from any obligation to me, any commitments. Poise the memory of me at the edge of some distant cliff in your mind and I'll let go without any pleas for help. I'll fall to your minds abyss without complaint. I've always thought you were a great man and when I look back years from now I'll remember you as that. Goodbye Dad.

With Regards,
Matthew DeVall


"I'll take my horse and I'll ride the northern plain
To wear the colour of the greys and join the fight again
I'll not rest until I know the cause is fought and won
From this day on until I die I'll wear my father's gun"


--Notes--
I've been meaning to write this for a while. You may laugh at me, this may be silly, but it's the only way I have to bring even the smallest amount of closure to my jagged relationship with my dad. I wrote it tonight to take my mind off something else. It's my girlfriend's birthday (three days after mine) and she ditched me to spend the night with her friends. We were suppose to spend the night together. I gave her my gifts yesterday, took her out to lunch this morning, then to her surprise birthday party.

This guy who's obsessed with her was there. He gave her a $70 pearl necklace. He really wants her and has been writing her little poorly written letters describing how much he wants her. This is really upsetting because now I have to kick his fucking ass which is going to suck because I'm not a violent person and he is. He was in my gym class one year. I use to make fun of him because he spent half the period kicking and karate chopping the walls. He's totally fucked in the head. I think I might run him over with my car. I don't know. I was upset tonight because she ditched me but it's her birthday so I tried to be nice. I told her I wasn't mad or anything and went home. Now I'm home and well, I'm kinda mad I guess. More sad really. Fucking pearl necklace. I need a sawed off bat or something. Maybe a bike chain. It'd be pretty fucking sweet to kick a guy's ass with a bike chain. I'll work it out.