Ninja Attack
Warning: I did a double shot of NyQuil before I wrote this.
I really wanted to write something about this before but I've been busy attempting to move things with my mind.
This is my first movie as an aspiring director and writer. It's not very good but I thought I should post something about it.
I'm thinking what I'm going to do is write a review about it as if it wasn't my movie and I was someone else. This should hopefully ensure that there's no bias in it. I haven't not been me since, well, a can't remembering not being me because if I wasn't me, and doing it properly, I obviously wouldn't remember it. As far as I know, this will be a first. Here it goes:
If you've got twenty minutes free to do whatever you want, spending that time in an attempt to bite your own ear off (Vincent Van Gogh meets Mike Tyson) would be a better use of it then watching this pathetic excuse for an amateur film. I don't know what the director was going for but it was about as inspiring as taking a shit - without that sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The story of Ninja Attack is that of some low budget horror movie but not as good because in those type of movies you at least get to see some chick topless; you want your vapid movie sundae with at least a topping of nudity. If it's going to be unoriginal, it should at least be indecent is what I say.
--whoever this reviewer is (Matt DeVall pretending not to be Matt DeVall) he's obviously a very unpleasant person and I (Matt DeVall acknowledging himself as Matt DeVall) don't think I'm going to have him write here anymore--
Watching this movie reminded me of the time I had to get my prostate checked - it felt horrible and I was really glad when it was over. That whole feeling in general - getting something jostled up your ass - basically sums up the flick. The ending is the same way. It's sort of a trick. This would be like when you realize the doctor had both his hands on your shoulders when the supposed tool was manhandled into place.
The plot is a mindless little romp about three men who get attacked by some sort of ninja (think Bruce Lee but slower and substantially fatter). They have to fight it off and all but one die. The writing, quite frankly, is only rivaled in it's wretchedness by the acting, which can only be described as an abomination to all things. The only facet that keeps you going is some decent camera work and a solid soundtrack but both these things are thwarted by terrible sound work, bad lighting, and badly choreographed fight scenes. The Ninja must have been coached at dog training school because I've seen better moves at the Special Olympics. A retarded man with cerebral palsy could have looked more professional than that flamer.
The director, Matt DeVall, is obviously a fucking retard and needs to spend a little less time stroking his penis and more time honing his almost non existent talent.
Only watch this if you like pain.
Not Matt DeVall official rating: D+
--Note--
So that guy clearly isn't much fun. I thought the movie showed some good effort and I would actually commend the actors, and especially the director (I heard that guy is pretty sexy too) on a job well done. It shows promise.
I really wanted to write something about this before but I've been busy attempting to move things with my mind.
This is my first movie as an aspiring director and writer. It's not very good but I thought I should post something about it.
I'm thinking what I'm going to do is write a review about it as if it wasn't my movie and I was someone else. This should hopefully ensure that there's no bias in it. I haven't not been me since, well, a can't remembering not being me because if I wasn't me, and doing it properly, I obviously wouldn't remember it. As far as I know, this will be a first. Here it goes:
If you've got twenty minutes free to do whatever you want, spending that time in an attempt to bite your own ear off (Vincent Van Gogh meets Mike Tyson) would be a better use of it then watching this pathetic excuse for an amateur film. I don't know what the director was going for but it was about as inspiring as taking a shit - without that sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The story of Ninja Attack is that of some low budget horror movie but not as good because in those type of movies you at least get to see some chick topless; you want your vapid movie sundae with at least a topping of nudity. If it's going to be unoriginal, it should at least be indecent is what I say.
--whoever this reviewer is (Matt DeVall pretending not to be Matt DeVall) he's obviously a very unpleasant person and I (Matt DeVall acknowledging himself as Matt DeVall) don't think I'm going to have him write here anymore--
Watching this movie reminded me of the time I had to get my prostate checked - it felt horrible and I was really glad when it was over. That whole feeling in general - getting something jostled up your ass - basically sums up the flick. The ending is the same way. It's sort of a trick. This would be like when you realize the doctor had both his hands on your shoulders when the supposed tool was manhandled into place.
The plot is a mindless little romp about three men who get attacked by some sort of ninja (think Bruce Lee but slower and substantially fatter). They have to fight it off and all but one die. The writing, quite frankly, is only rivaled in it's wretchedness by the acting, which can only be described as an abomination to all things. The only facet that keeps you going is some decent camera work and a solid soundtrack but both these things are thwarted by terrible sound work, bad lighting, and badly choreographed fight scenes. The Ninja must have been coached at dog training school because I've seen better moves at the Special Olympics. A retarded man with cerebral palsy could have looked more professional than that flamer.
The director, Matt DeVall, is obviously a fucking retard and needs to spend a little less time stroking his penis and more time honing his almost non existent talent.
Only watch this if you like pain.
Not Matt DeVall official rating: D+
--Note--
So that guy clearly isn't much fun. I thought the movie showed some good effort and I would actually commend the actors, and especially the director (I heard that guy is pretty sexy too) on a job well done. It shows promise.
posted by velvetcake at 11:46 AM
1 Comments:
Obviously this reviewer didn't understand Ninja Attack. Ninja Attack is an art-piece, through and through. It's an avant garde attack on post-modern ethical capitulation. The Ninja is a metaphor for Civil Rights, while the car represents the inertia of infinity. Lunkenheimer is the crux of this film, and I for one am surprised a more populist movement hasn't sprung forth from his performance, or, loins.
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