Don't Ask Me No Questions

I said a while ago that I'd make up my own questionnaire because I thought the one I filled out was lacking. Feel free to post your answers to them if you want.

Questionnaire

1. What's your favorite sound: The sound a woman makes when she's having a moment of utmost pleasure.

2. If you had to have a homosexual experience with somebody who would it be: Myself.

3. If you had to, how would you kill yourself: Lots of pills and eight hookers.

4. What would be the last way you'd want to die: Eaten alive by killer bunnies.

5. How much is/was your anal virginity worth to you: Fifty cents and a box of Tic-Tacs.

6. Sexiest Star Wars character (after Chewy of course): Blue Jedi lady with the big rack whose name I do not know.

7. If you had your own theme song, what would it be: September by Earth, Wind, and Fire

8. Ugliest person you've ever seen: Saw a lady last Halloween who I actually thought was dressed up as a monster when she in fact wasn't even wearing a costume.

9. Favorite prime number: 4481

10: Favorite part of your body to hide stuff in: Crotch.

11: Least favorite part of your body to hide stuff in: Nose.

12: Describe the best wet dream you've ever had: I'm not going to answer this for fear of thinking less of myself.

13: Favorite porno: A Few Good Holes

14: Favorite type of smut: Anything with fur in it.

15: Best song to listen to while making love and/or masturbating: Bad Company by Bad Company for love making and Hard To Handle by the Black Crowes for masturbation (as you've probably surmised, I haven't heard Bad Company for some time now though I'm starting to get really sick of Hard to Handle).



On a totally unrelated note -

I guess I've always known my family was strange but I didn't quite understand the extent of if until I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas.

Her answer: Towels, chapstick, jelly, and five cans of sardines.

Granted, my grandma is getting pretty old but damn, that's just weird.


"So, don't ask me no questions
And I won't tell you no lies
So, don't ask me about my business
And I won't tell you goodbye"

a certain amount of animosity

More of the same really.


Dear U-Albany-

I hate you. Very much so. I hope you burn to the ground so I can dance gleefully in the light from your blackened edifices. Flames of merriment will glow around me as I fiddle in your feverish heat. As Nero did with Rome, I will do to you (minus the lyre and toga of course - actually, what the hell, maybe I'll get a lyre and toga for the occasion). Atop my imaginary Quirinal Hill, through the suffocating smoke and plumes of fire, I will laugh at your miserable destruction. Your doom will be the sweet fruit of my existence. Fuck you.

Yours Truly,
Matt


So, I'm still not a big fan of this school, as one can plainly see. But, what's the recent jab that pushed me to the point to write an insulting message to an abstract and intangible entity you ask (I like to talk about things as if people are asking me questions, it makes me feel loved).

Answer: Ass-fucking professors who give me exams the day before Thanksgiving. Then, as a bonus treat, I get a homework assignment in computer science and a take home test in calculus to do over my short vacation. Why thank you. How generous. But, instead of doing that, why don't you bunch them up and proceed to obstruct your asshole with them.

Over the pasts few days, the delicious five day weekend which I've been looking forward to as a break from my inexhaustible and never ending supply of work has turned to ash in my mouth. It's like, "Hey, you just walked across the Mohave dessert. Wow. Way to go. You look thirsty. You deserve a glass of water. Here you go. It's nice and cold. Tasty? Yeah, I pissed in it. How do you like them apples?"

Alright, I admit that was a rather odd comparison but you get the idea. It's just not a nice thing to do.

It was just pointed out to me that my complaints shouldn't really be directed at the school itself but the professors here. I see a very valid point here but I'm going to completely ignore it.

Fuck this school and everybody who goes to this school (this includes me - fuck me).

--Note--
As if things aren't bad enough, it turns out the universe isn't really three dimensional. It's only pretending to be.

The Universe Is Only Pretending

It's bad enough my girlfriend fakes it (I don't actually have a girlfriend but if I was getting some I'm sure she'd have to fake it) but now I have to continue living knowing that my plain of existence has been keeping its true nature from me. God damn you universe.

--Note II--
If any faculty members perchance read my blog, you ought to know that I would never actually do nor support any physical detriment to your fine, fine establishment. I only jest. If something were to happen please don't consider me a suspect because of what I said. If I ever cause any harm to this college it will simply be through my systematic obliteration of its reputation with words. Thank you.

"Oooh!
You can ponder perpetual motion, fix your mind on a crystal day,
Always time for a good conversation, there's an ear for what you say."

it's life and life only

Once in a very long while, a blog post is written that is so mentally stimulating that you actually have to sit down and take a breather. A post that makes you stop and ponder the very fabric of morality and truth. A post with words so deep that they tear down your walls of common thought and build in their place a labyrinth of insight so profound you won't be able to masturbate for a week. A post that changes the social norm forever (less masturbation I guess). I'm talking about something so revolutionary it causes you to spontaneously orgasm, crap your pants, pass out, and sneeze all at the same time. A post like this doesn't come around very often.

And this is absolutely by no means one of them. I actually have about as much insight as a monkey. I do, however, have an incredibly large...

I generally talk about vice and intercourse related topics here on my blog. Given the target audience I figured that sort of thing would be much more appreciated than anything thought provoking. I mean, who wants to think when they can just picture a guy giving a muppet fellatio (I don't think I've talked about muppet porn on here yet - it's going to be big, really big)? But, it's probably about time I turn over a new leaf and talk about something else. So, no more talk about sex.

I'm here to talk to you about sex (had you worried there for a second didn't I). But, due to length issues, and the general laziness of the author, I've decided to cut the whole matter short and not really talk about it at all. Thank you.

This is truly the most pointless thing ever written.

--Note--
People were complaining about there not being an update on here for a week so I threw this together between doing my calculus homework and my physics homework. As one can see, it's not very good and was about utterly nothing. Sorry. I've been swamped with work. I'll put something new up later this week. Just so you don't feel completely cheated though, I'll give you an update on my love life.

Update on Matt's Love Life:
Still completely nonexistent.

the jester, on the sidelines

Warning: This post is really morbid, perverted, and twisted - more so than normal. Those faint of heart should stop reading now.

Another Warning: I am not joking. This is the most fucked up thing I have ever written. It's just weird. Go ahead and read it but I don't want to hear any shit from anybody about how they've been scarred for life. You've been warned. Not my fault.


Something occurred to me the other day when I was hurriedly trying to finish masturbating before my roommate came back from his shower (you wish that wasn't true but it is). It happened upon my mind to ponder whether or not a guy like me would ever be able to become a clown on the professional level (I'm not weird, I don't normally think about that sort of thing while I'm pleasuring myself, I just happen to be watching clown porn this time so this train of thought is really quite normal - it's not like I'm a freak or anything). I've been at a loss recently as to what I wanted to do with my life. I'm currently a physics major but who knows, that could easily change, physics might not be my thing. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life looking at a black board with a piece of chalk in my hand and a stupid look on my face as I try to figure out how long it takes for a bowling ball to roll up a hill inclined at 25 degrees with a friction coefficient of 0.5 if it's pushed with a force of 12 Newtons? Where's the fun in that?

So, watching these three clowns bugger each other with a garden hose got me interested. Through my sweat and heavy breathing, I thought to myself: "Maybe this sort of thing might really be for me. I could do without all the sodomy of course. I don't think I could take the sodomy. Seriously, what is the little one doing to that poor girl? Is that a rake? Is that a girl? I haven't been jerking off to gay clown porn have I? No, that's definitely a girl. Or a post op at least. Wow, how long has it been? Is that the shower still running or am I just hearing all the blood rushing through my ears from such a vigorous workout? I think House is on tonight. God that's a great show. Clowns. I like that one girl on it. Why don't I have any normal porn? Clowns. That girl should star in porn. Where the fuck did I leave my cellphone? Clowns. Okay, it's time to find some lesbian smut or something. Clowns. This is getting nasty. Clowns. So nasty. Clowns. Nasty. Clowns. Oh god, clowns!"

Yeah, so anyway... that went a bit further than what may be considered comfortable.

Do you have to go to school for that sort of thing - take courses for four years on proper jester gesturing and learn how to dress all motley and whatnot so you can finally work your way up to that coveted clown degree?

I don't know. Sounds like a lot of work now that I think about it. Besides, you go into the business to make some kids laugh and tell a few jokes, probably get some free stuff along the way, learn the balloon animal trade, but then you inevitably end up starring in some low budget anal pornfest with some other clowns you don't even know, getting lawn tools shoved up your ass for hours on end. You try to laugh because you're a clown but you can't with the sock jammed into your mouth. The make up comes off and smudges from all the bodily fluids getting sprayed everywhere. Your red nose falls off. You can't find your three inch unicycle. Your big floppy shoes are up some guys butt and your clothes are all ripped. And then what? What are you now? You're not even a clown anymore. No smile. No laughter. You're just another guy fucking on camera.

No, I think I'll stick with my physics. Clowns have it rough.

--Note--
I said I'd bring you decadent and did I deliver? I think so. Sorry to any clowns who read my blog and were offended. Hell, I'm sorry to anybody who read this because you were undoubtedly offended and if you weren't, well there's something wrong with you then.


"My makeup is dry and it clags on my chin
I’m drowning my sorrows in whisky and gin
The lion tamer’s whip doesn’t crack anymore
The lions they won’t fight and the tigers won’t roar

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
So let’s all drink to the death of a clown
Won’t someone help me to break up this crown
Let’s all drink to the death of a clown
Let’s all drink to the death of a clown"

please allow me to introduce myself...

I probably should have called this post something simple like "vote" but I can't help myself with the music quotes and allusions (is it just me or did the end of that sentence just not flow right for some reason).

A good friend of mine back home, who coincidentally is also named Matt, is running for Councilman at Large. While I think he has a better chance of losing 200 pounds and becoming the next pop sensation than he does of actually winning the election, I am somewhat optimistic that he'll at least turn a few heads and make the incumbents think for a change.

Since I was too shortsighted to get my absentee ballot in order to vote, I want to at least wish my friend the best of luck in his endeavor. Hopefully he won't look too stupid.


To Matt (a man of wealth and taste),

Good luck. If you lose, it'll still be a moral victory because you drive a much nicer car than any of those other bastard politicians. Even if you fail at achieving your goal you at least got your name on a sign and that bloody hell counts for something. You can also rest easy knowing that you can undoubtedly float better than any of those guys and nobody can take that from you. Nobody.

Sincerely,
Matt


In all do seriousness, I hope he does do well. He'll do a much better job, even at his early age, than anyone else he's running against (not literally, the guy couldn't hold his own in a foot race, not even against an old guy, not even with a pair of Air Jordans and four Rockstars in him, not even with a good tailwind and a.... in all do seriousness I can't take anything very seriously).

"It's nice to know someone my age gives a damn."

--Note--
This blog needs more sex oriented material on it. My next post will be obscene, I promise. I'm afraid my fan base may be dwindling so I'm going to have to bring them back around. I can't promise anything but I will say I'll do my best to get something really decadent and eye catching for the coming days.


"Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I’ll lay your soul to waste"

Light My Fire

click here for porn

I was reading an article earlier today pertaining to the applicability of controlling the weather and the various techniques that are possible for doing such. I understand to a certain extent why people would want to be able to manipulate atmospheric conditions and I can see the applications of such a thing but I have to seriously question some of their tactics.

For instance, one of their more ingenious ideas revolves around detonating nuclear weapons inside hurricanes. Now, I am not a meteorologist nor do I claim to have any real knowledge of atmospheric science but I don't think you have to in order to know that this is a really bad idea. Isn't there going to be radiation and such from that sort of thing? I can just see this backfiring on us.

Bill: Nice and sunny today Bob.
Bob: Yeah, it's great but my dick just fell off, my skin is melting, and I shit out my kidneys a minute ago.

Haven't we done enough to this poor little planet? Now we have to try and nuke our weather?

It's like taking our current foreign policy of "don't fuck with us or we'll god damn bomb your ass" and trying to apply it to the local forecast. Not only is that idiotic but it's kind of pathetic too. I mean, come on people, you can't take a little rain and wind so you're going to blow the weather up with bombs?

Other such bright ideas include using giant microwave emitters to heat the air to different densities and using some sort of plasma thing to produce acoustic and gravitational waves to modify the climate. Once again, this sounds to me like one of those things that could easily be miscalculated. It all starts with good intentions but then some guy doesn't align something right and ends up taking out the entire Mediterranean shoreline or burning some huge hole in the atmosphere that will ultimately lead to the death of our planet.

Science is usually good, but this is just plain scary. I'd rather reach for an umbrella than be bleeding from my asshole due to some nuclear fallout because some guy didn't account for the wind quite right.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So, as one can plainly see, I couldn't think of anything to talk about this post and ended up ranting about some geeky article I read. Weekend posts are always the hardest. Please, if anyone would like to suggest a topic of discussion, let me know. I'd be more than willing to take requests. Something like, "Hey, Matt, what's your opinion on bestiality? Do you think monkeys should be allowed to vote?"

I'd prefer if you thought a bit longer about it than I just did but something along those lines would be fine. As long as you don't ask for advice about women because I'd be completely lost. My latest caper with a girl appears to have drawn to a sad little close before anything ever really began (yeah, okay, caper isn't the right word but go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it). Maybe I read the signals wrong, maybe I'm just an ugly pathetic loser, maybe a combination, who knows. This latest one is particularly demoralizing though because I'm just about dead positive she reads my blog and uses it to make silly judgments about me which I'm never in any position to dispute. But, really, why the fuck should I care, it's not like it would have made any difference, it's just more embarrassing this way. So, anyway... the ending of this post seems to be analogous to my relationships with women. Just sort of abrupt and pointless.

--Note--
People have been posting a lot more lately and that makes me very happy. Please continue to do so. Remember you can post under a name though; you don't have to leave it anonymous. Not that I'm unappreciative. I'd prefer you post anonymously than not post at all. If you're going to insult somebody or say something lewd than you might want to stay unknown, but otherwise don't be shy - put your name down.


"Time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can only lose
And our love become a funeral pyre"

this is the end... no really, we're all dead

Tuesday, around noon, the power went out in my dorm. I really didn't think much of it. My sister and I were sitting and having some pleasant little conversation about how her boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night to make a bagel completely naked and accidently slammed his dick in the refrigerator door (if you knew the guy, him doing this wouldn't surprise you), and then all of a sudden the lights went out. My Powerbook didn't seem to mind and switched over to battery power without a hitch. Life really didn't seem that interrupted and my sister, only barely noticing, made some casual remark about it to which I think I only nodded. We continued our conversation.

You may be wondering why I'm telling such a trite little story and here's why: The conversation that ensued shortly after between my dorm mates left me absolutely flabbergasted.

I can't remember it exactly, but it went a little something like this:

(not their real names)

Hank: Woah, hey, my light went off.
Bob: Yeah, it looks off.
Hank: It's dark.
Bob: It's not on.
Hank: Are they out in the rest of the dorm?
Joe (entering): I was in the bathroom.
Bob: Was it dark.
Joe: Yeah, I think the light went out.
Hank: It's not the only one.
Joe: There's more?
Bob: I don't know.
Joe: Lights are out in here.
Hank: Maybe the power is out.
Bob: What about the hall.
Hank: Lights are out there too.
Joe: Are they out everywhere?
Bob: The power could definitely be out.
Hank: How could that be?
Susan (entering): Hey, are your lights out?
Joe: Yeah, we think the power might be out.
Bob: Lets not jump to conclusions.
Susan: What about your other stuff. Do they work?
Bob: Hey! My laptop works!
Joe: Yo, his laptop works.
Hank: Is it plugged in?
Bob: No.
Susan: How is it working if it's not plugged in?
Bob: Batteries.
Susan: Oh, right, batteries.
Hank: Maybe the power is out.
Bob: Well, the lights are definitely out.
John (entering): Hey, are your lights off.
Joe: The power might be out.
John: I'm going to check around.
Susan: Why would the power be out.
Joe: I don't know.
Susan: Does your cellphone work?
Joe: Everybody check their cell phones.
Hank: Yeah, mine works.
Bob: Mine too.
Susan: Same here.
Joe: Wait. Batteries.
Susan: Oh, right, batteries.
Hank: Batteries.
John (entering): Hey, yeah, I think the power is out.
Susan: Why?
John: Because nothing is on.
Hank: Why is it out?
John: I don't know. No one knows.
Hank: Is it out everywhere?
John: Yeah, I think so.
Hank: When is it coming back on?
Susan: Wait, are we sure it's off?
Bob: It must be off.
Joe: I was in the bathroom when it went off.
Susan: What was it like?
Joe: Wet.
Susan: Why was it wet?
Joe: I was in the shower.
Bob: Maybe it will come back on.
Susan: What if it doesn't.
Joe: Does the TV work when the power is out?
Hank: I'm going to make a pop tart.
Joe: Yeah, make me one.
John: We'll all have pop tarts.
Bob: The toaster isn't getting hot.
Susan: Maybe the power is out.
John: Is it plugged in?

That went on for about ten minutes.

I admit I exaggerated it a bit (okay, a lot, they're not that dumb), but believe me, that's pretty close to the level of conversation I witnessed. It made my sister's boyfriend seem like Isaac Newton.

Stupidity of this degree can only be attributed to higher education. I hate college.

"The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end"

me, booze, and Salvidor Dali

This one is going to take a while.

I believe I have a background with alcohol, drugs, sex, and other taboo that is at least slightly different that that of the average person my age. To explain this I might have to subject you to a brief history of myself. So, to start it off, I grew up under conditions that essentially allowed me to do whatever the hell I wanted. The normal restrictions regarding drugs and such weren't really there for me at all. What I got was a front row seat to watch my sister and all her friends indulge their appetite in their freely accessible wantonness (not that I have anything against said pleasures but it's not acceptable in the broader social realm). They smoked, they screwed, they drank, they partied, hell they even huffed and sniffed a bunch I'm sure, then they probably screwed some more. Lots of sex. Me, not so much.

I don't mean to prate about all this, so to make a long story short, with the total acceptance of such deeds, my way of rebelling was to actually be as orthodox and decorous as possible (maybe those aren't the right words but I can't think of any others). This is probably the exact opposite of what most kids would have done. It seems odd I bet, but for me, rebellion was to be as proper as possible (which comparatively wasn't all that proper now that I think of it). Basically, I chose to be as big of a loser, geek, scholar, and whatnot as I could. I was never sheltered, quite the opposite in fact, but it sort of had the same effect. I don't regret any of it but now, and this is what I was leading up to, when it comes to drinking, I really can't hold my shit at all (I also only weigh about 115 too which doesn't help), and end up with a silly mustache drawn on me rather early in the night.


The thing about drinking is it's all good fun until you can't get back to your dorm and end up passing out on your friend's floor with nothing but a sheet and and some lame beanie pillow thing. The experience would have been better if I had had either someone to share the moment with or someone to kill and use as a mattress, preferably someone soft and flat.

I actually told myself that I wasn't going to drink all that much. I said to myself, "Matt, you're a little man and you could hurt yourself. Show some restraint." And I did this to a certain extent but it was made clear to me early on that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy myself without getting seriously inebriated. I was all up with the not drinking so much plan until about 30 seconds after I got the first party. That's about how long it took for me to realize how awful the night would be if I had to pass the time sober. So, to the drinking I went. The first two beers tasted like piss but after that, well they still tasted like piss, but I didn't really care anymore because it only takes about two beers for me to start seeing pink elephants.

a recount:

I met a girl at the first party who I knew from my calculus class (details are a bit hairy) and she seemed to think I was a rather funny person. This I think would have led to decent night if my friend, who was sort of the leader of this whole ordeal, hadn't dragged me out of the party. It turned out this was for the best because there were some fine policemen outside waiting to spoil everyone's fun. This might have also been the party where I met two girls I know who seemed a little taken aback to see me intoxicated. But, once again, details are a little fuzzy.

The second party. All I remember about this is that there was some happy fellow walking/dancing around completely naked. He was having a good time and it didn't seem to bother anyone so good for him (I actually have to question whether this man even knew he was naked). Also, sometime between the first party and the second, my friend and I, under watch by his girlfriend, relieved ourselves in the road. I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back now, I don't think I would have whipped it out right then to take a piss if I had been on the wagon.

Third party. I really don't remember this one at all. I think it was rather lousy and some asshole wearing an airplane costume wouldn't leave us alone, more specifically, wouldn't leave my lady friend alone. So, my friend's girlfriend and I destroyed it while he was busy in his stupor. Attacked it with a pin. Put big holes in his stupid fucking Boeing 737. Not very nice I guess, but the kid was a jackass. Seriously, who dresses up as an airplane for Halloween? That's like going as a tube a toothpaste or a pogo stick or some other inanimate object. Fuck that guy.

I didn't really mention it, but my lady friend that I like went with us. This made me very happy because I enjoy being around her but she spent most of her time with some old friend of hers who happen to join us. They were really close the entire night and I wasn't ever really able to spend much time with her alone which would have been nice but I can't really complain. She's sort of a hard one to read. At one point in the night I had decided she was a lesbian because of how close she was getting with her friend but now I'm not sure. I also can't tell at all if she's into me or not or what she even thinks of me for that matter. She probably thinks I'm an arrogant asshole. I wouldn't blame her. I also think she reads my blog now and in fact knows everything I've said about her on here, since it's not like she'd have to be clairvoyant to figure out I'm talking about her.

I'm not even positive of this though.... fuck this post is long. Oh, Salvidor Dali. That was my costume. I normally wear the hat and jacket so my friend's girlfriend just drew a silly mustache on me. I think I looked quite dashing.

I want to bring this post to some sort of closure but can't think of how to do that. Maybe a few words of wisdom.

Words of Wisdom: Don't post a link to your blog where a girl who you like and talk about on your blog can find it and read it, thus knowing what you think of her and having the ability to make you feel very awkward.

"I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands"