the jester, on the sidelines

Warning: This post is really morbid, perverted, and twisted - more so than normal. Those faint of heart should stop reading now.

Another Warning: I am not joking. This is the most fucked up thing I have ever written. It's just weird. Go ahead and read it but I don't want to hear any shit from anybody about how they've been scarred for life. You've been warned. Not my fault.


Something occurred to me the other day when I was hurriedly trying to finish masturbating before my roommate came back from his shower (you wish that wasn't true but it is). It happened upon my mind to ponder whether or not a guy like me would ever be able to become a clown on the professional level (I'm not weird, I don't normally think about that sort of thing while I'm pleasuring myself, I just happen to be watching clown porn this time so this train of thought is really quite normal - it's not like I'm a freak or anything). I've been at a loss recently as to what I wanted to do with my life. I'm currently a physics major but who knows, that could easily change, physics might not be my thing. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life looking at a black board with a piece of chalk in my hand and a stupid look on my face as I try to figure out how long it takes for a bowling ball to roll up a hill inclined at 25 degrees with a friction coefficient of 0.5 if it's pushed with a force of 12 Newtons? Where's the fun in that?

So, watching these three clowns bugger each other with a garden hose got me interested. Through my sweat and heavy breathing, I thought to myself: "Maybe this sort of thing might really be for me. I could do without all the sodomy of course. I don't think I could take the sodomy. Seriously, what is the little one doing to that poor girl? Is that a rake? Is that a girl? I haven't been jerking off to gay clown porn have I? No, that's definitely a girl. Or a post op at least. Wow, how long has it been? Is that the shower still running or am I just hearing all the blood rushing through my ears from such a vigorous workout? I think House is on tonight. God that's a great show. Clowns. I like that one girl on it. Why don't I have any normal porn? Clowns. That girl should star in porn. Where the fuck did I leave my cellphone? Clowns. Okay, it's time to find some lesbian smut or something. Clowns. This is getting nasty. Clowns. So nasty. Clowns. Nasty. Clowns. Oh god, clowns!"

Yeah, so anyway... that went a bit further than what may be considered comfortable.

Do you have to go to school for that sort of thing - take courses for four years on proper jester gesturing and learn how to dress all motley and whatnot so you can finally work your way up to that coveted clown degree?

I don't know. Sounds like a lot of work now that I think about it. Besides, you go into the business to make some kids laugh and tell a few jokes, probably get some free stuff along the way, learn the balloon animal trade, but then you inevitably end up starring in some low budget anal pornfest with some other clowns you don't even know, getting lawn tools shoved up your ass for hours on end. You try to laugh because you're a clown but you can't with the sock jammed into your mouth. The make up comes off and smudges from all the bodily fluids getting sprayed everywhere. Your red nose falls off. You can't find your three inch unicycle. Your big floppy shoes are up some guys butt and your clothes are all ripped. And then what? What are you now? You're not even a clown anymore. No smile. No laughter. You're just another guy fucking on camera.

No, I think I'll stick with my physics. Clowns have it rough.

--Note--
I said I'd bring you decadent and did I deliver? I think so. Sorry to any clowns who read my blog and were offended. Hell, I'm sorry to anybody who read this because you were undoubtedly offended and if you weren't, well there's something wrong with you then.


"My makeup is dry and it clags on my chin
I’m drowning my sorrows in whisky and gin
The lion tamer’s whip doesn’t crack anymore
The lions they won’t fight and the tigers won’t roar

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
So let’s all drink to the death of a clown
Won’t someone help me to break up this crown
Let’s all drink to the death of a clown
Let’s all drink to the death of a clown"