what to do blues

I think I need a new hobby; cruelty to animals just isn't as entertaining as it use to be and I've heard my other favorite pastime can cause blindness. I need an avocation that is entertaining, healthy, and most importantly, leisurely (none of that jogging shit or anything that involves much moving about for that matter). I want something fun, yet not too fun. Something that defines what I like but not who I am. Preferably something that involves nudity.

Adding all those up and what do you get? A pipe dream. Maybe a wet dream if you're lucky but probably not.

I'm thinking of possibly developing a drug addiction. I don't know to what though. There's so many great choices. I could go with heroine or crack but that's pretty typical and alcoholism is such a bore. I don't want to be cliche. Everybody will be like, "oh, that Matt kid went and got addicted to cocaine, how unoriginal." I don't think I could live with that. No, I need to get addicted to something really out of the ordinary. But what? Let me see.


NyQuil? - Too mainstream, too green.

Tums? - I'm thinking I could crush them up and sniff them - Do a line of Tums, how awesome would that be - No, that probably wouldn't even do anything now that I think of it.

Coffee? - I wouldn't take it normally, what I'd do is boil it down into pill form and take it rectally - Nah, too much work, too gay.

NutraSweet? - I'll melt it into a thick paste and inject it straight into my neck - Eh, it'd probably harden or something and I'd die, probably not a great idea.

Urine? - That's right, I'll get addicted to drinking my own piss - I don't think I'll do that and I don't think I have to explain why.

Cheese? - umm... I don't know, I could just eat a lot of it and maybe it would do something interesting - Running out of ideas here.


The problem with this (besides the fact that these are all ridiculously bad ideas of course) is that people have undoubtedly tried do all of these things. Countless people chug NyQuil, everything that can be snorted has been snorted, they did that coffee thing back in Vietnam now that I think of it, I'm sure some stupid fuck actually did the NutraSweet thing, I'm sure some sick fuck drinks his own urine, and I bet there's at least one person out there with some sort of messed up cheese fetish (my sister for instance).

What's the world coming to? I can't even get a creative drug addiction to supplement my tiring hobbies. I should have expected it though. The sixties have come and gone and who am I to think that I could find a drug somebody during that time forgot about?

Damn. Damn it all. What am I to do? Sit in my room and drink my generic Coca-Cola? I guess I'll just have to stick with what I've got. Bad for me and bad for the local wildlife. Everyone loses. I'll be blind and they'll be dead and/or maimed. Fuck God and fuck people who believe in God.

--Note--
Just want to make sure people know when I'm joking. I'd never, and I mean never, drink generic Coca-Cola. That's just wrong.


"This story that you heard you may think rather queer
But it is the truth you'll be surprised to hear.
I did not want no job upon the board,
I just wanted to take a broom and sweep the bloody floor."