death, depression, and aquatic puddle bunnies

My girlfriend seems to think I suffer from clinical depression and sent me this passage from her psychology book. I thought it was overwhelmingly sweet of her to think of me but I found myself questioning the validity and professionalism of the piece. I took a few excerpts of what she sent me and responded to them.

It opens, "Perhaps you know what depression feels like." - Is this a text book or a message in a fortune cookie? What's with the perhaps (soon to be a reoccurring word in the passage)? Perhaps I feel sad. Perhaps I'll beat someone to death with a bike chain. Perhaps the person who wrote this has sex with farm animals on a regular basis... perhaps.

"If you are like most college students, at some time during this year - more likely the dark months of winter than the bright days of summer - you will probably experience a few of the symptoms of depression." - Am I really so trite that I'd feel worse about my life when it's dark out? Honestly, if you're so pathetic about your existence, I hope you slit your wrists. 'Oh, I can't stand my life, it's so overcast. How could I possibly go on living when the sky is so gloomy?' Try living through the Holocaust (not that I did obviously, I'm just saying some people experienced things truly worthy of complaint, and it not being bright enough out for you isn't). What a bunch of whiners.

"You may lack the energy to get things done or even to force yourself out of bed; be unable to concentrate, eat, or sleep normally; or even wonder if you would be better off dead." - Gee, who'd a thought, a college kid not wanting to get out of bed. That couldn't be. 'unable to concentrate' - Yeah, I'm sorry if augmented matrices and coulomb forces don't get my jollies off enough to pay attention. I'm sorry if I have better shit to think about. 'eat, or sleep normally' - The food here tastes like packing peanuts (not even the starch based ones, we're talking the styrofoam kind) and the suite over from mine blasts music that practically causes me to lose control of my bowels it's so bad. 'wonder if you would be better off dead.' - Yes, when I read to about there, I felt I would have been better off killing myself.

"Perhaps academic success came easily to you in high school and now you find that disappointing grades jeopardize your goals." - No, not really, I'm pretty fucking awesome. You couldn't be more wrong. I'm ashamed for the both of us.

"Perhaps you feel lonely and or isolated as a 'nontraditional' student - returning after attending to other work or family commitments." - I actually don't even know what the fuck this person is talking about anymore. Did they put nontraditional in semi quotes because it made absolutely no sense in the sentence whatsoever? Perhaps? Perhaps this person can blow and or fuck him/herself.

And then it ends, "Perhaps social difficulties, such as lonliness or the breakup of a romance, have plunged you into despair. And maybe your brooding has at times only worsened your self-torment." - The only self torment I've recently put myself through is reading this fucking article. Despite all physical limitations to the contrary, it both sucks and blows.

--Note--
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I do in fact suffer from depression but I think I'm just sort of pessimistic and miserable by nature. If I am depressed, then I have been since I was ten.

I recently received word that my Great Aunt Liz was dying and just now received word that she had finished. I can't really think of anything to say. I didn't know her well. In fact, I think I only met her once when I was a little kid but you sort of feel funny (not haha funny but odd feeling funny) when someone you know dies even if you didn't know them well. I'm also not a religious person so I can't say anything about her being in a better place now. None of that is true. I think death is the greatest invention of life and its only certainty. It disposes of the old to make way for the new. My Aunt Liz was very old. I hope her time living was well spent.


"Ev'rybody's building the big ships and the boats,
Some are building monuments,
Others, jotting down notes,
Ev'rybody's in despair,
Ev'ry girl and boy
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
Ev'rybody's jump for joy.
Come all without, come all within,
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn."

no gown at the hoedown

For some reason which I can't explain, my best friend feels the need to keep sending me scary, yet strangely erotic, pictures of himself. I received this one in an e-mail the other day. The e-mail didn't have any message to accompany the image so I'm just going to assume away here.

It appears that my friend and this lady (probably his girlfriend but I can hardly tell from that position) are engaging in some strange sexual role playing game. He's either suppose to be Don Juan or Zorro and the lady, dressed as a poor little peasant girl, is about to be ravished by him in some sort of naked tango love-fest. I'm scared to think who the person taking the picture is dressed as but my money is on either a pirate or the Michelin Man. It absolutely baffles me that someone would take a picture like this and not either burn it or keep it locked up in a safe place where no one will ever find it. You'd especially think you'd want to keep it away from someone who keeps a blog and brutally criticizes everything he can. Do what I do - I keep all the indecent pictures of myself cleverly hidden in my sock drawer with my condoms and extensive collection lascivious sexual apparatuses. No one will ever find any of it because who the fuck ever goes through someone else's sock drawer?

Update: I just talked to my friend about the picture and all he had to say was "that's an actual dance move." Alright. Look Like A Scary Motherfucker is an actual dance move. I believe you. Must have learned that at Trip the Light Fantastic: Charles Manson's Gyrating School of Rhythm and Dance. Seriously, listen here Twinkle Toes, a pirouette is dance move. Bending a girl over and looking like you're about to climax in your pants isn't.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to feel embarrassed about fulfilling their sexual desires, no matter how kinky or lewd they may be, in fact, I wholeheartedly encourage it. But, and I say this in earnest, I really don't need to see a picture of the pre-game show. I don't know what my friend and that lady are about to do but... what the hell am I saying? Of course I want to know what they're about to do. Please send me more pictures of that night. Thank you.


--Note--
I'd like to take this moment to apologize to my friend's girlfriend (has to be her in the pic) for any detriment my comments may have caused her and would like to give her my sincere condolences for having to go through whatever it is you're about to do in that picture. You must be very sore.

With respect to my best friend, I heard he can actually cut the rug pretty well. He in fact won something at his dance competition so congratulations. Also, if I remember correctly, he won best dancer at our eighth grade dance. I'm still in awe of that (I thought he looked like he was being attacked by bees all night) but at least someone thinks he looked cool and I suppose that ought to count for something.

"We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise 'em with the victory cry
Say, we can act if want to
If we don't nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile"