in another lifetime

The process of signing up for a new cell phone plan and buying a new phone is far more complicated than need be. It took me almost an hour and in the end I realized it probably would have been easier to jam the phone up my ass than to buy it. There were so many rules and loopholes for the company (in my case Verizon) to rape me and take my money that I began to have second thoughts on my purchase (my mother who was with me outright told the guy she wasn't ever going to buy a cell phone now). But, I needed a phone so I persevered. In the end I got a fancy little thing that I can talk into and take naked pictures of myself to send to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, I had to sign over my life to the company. A little piece of my soul will be owned by Verizon for the next two years. That was my commitment. Rather steep if you ask me. I had never had an actual cell plan before this (I used a pay as you go type thing) and I must say it's daunting.

Not nearly as daunting as going to see a gastroenterologist though. It wouldn't have been that bad of an experience if I had been a masochist and/or had a fetish for older Indian women with bad teeth. Anyway, I went because I've been getting nauseous when I try to eat in the morning and even into midday. The doctor told me it's because I've been taking so much ibuprofen for my migraines. It's apparently causing the lining of my stomach to swell up along with my liver and probably some other shit down there. Ironically, it's also causing me to get headaches. How the fuck that works is beyond me but long term use of the shit will do that. So, now I can't take any pain medication and get to just live with my headaches.

What was irritating about the whole visit (besides the point where the doctor wanted to stick her finger up my ass and I had to politely explain that that sort of thing wasn't or me) is that the gastroenterologist, and then my regular primary care doctor when she sent me over to him afterwards, treated me like I had fucking smack addiction. They're like, 'Alright Matt, we've got to get you off these pain meds. You have to stop doing this to yourself. I know it's tempting to pop a few pills here and there but you have to show some restraint.' What hell is that? I thought they were going to put me into rehab for a couple minutes while I was there. I'm not addicted to Advil, I was simply taking it to deal with pain. I didn't know what it was doing to me. It's a basic over the counter pain medication yet they talked to me like I was doing heroine. Then, to make things even more insulting, my primary care doctor told me I was taking all the pills because I saw advertisements for them on cable TV. I don't even have cable TV you fuckwad. I'm not so impressionable that I'd just start taking medicine because I saw an advertisement for it. I get migraines and the ibuprofen makes them go away. That's why I took them. What a bunch of assholes.


On a completely different note, girls should put flowers in their hair more often. I picture a beautiful girl with silver bracelets on her wrists and blossoms in her curls. She would walk up to me so gracefully, and since it's obvious this is from a Bob Dylan song now, she'd take my crown of thorns. Though, I don't think I really have a crown of thorns to be taken. I mean, obviously the fellow in that song had problems, not that I don't, but none that would require such poetry. I always figured the song was a love ballad but with all Dylan songs the more I think about it the less sure I am. I think it's about a girl but I think he fucks it up in the end. I have girl. Meets the description pretty well - no silver bracelet but she does wear a silver watch I bought her and while she doesn't typically put flowers in her hair she does have the prefect hair to do so.

I was actually reading my girlfriend's blog and listening to this song earlier. She's off to college now and I don't think she's particularly enjoying it. Naturally we both miss each other. I'm just hoping I can make the whole situation work. I don't think I have much of choice since I'm completely crazy about her. I guess I just get to be miserable. Doesn't seem fair.

She wrote the other day and complained that she had to spend too much money on books and supplies, saying something along the lines of 'going into debt for college is priceless.' While I certainly sympathize with her for having to spend a boatload of money on books and supplies (and she had to spend a bit more than most kids because she has art supplies along with her books) she hasn't actually gone into a single cent of debt nor will she ever have to which makes it all a little insulting. Her financial situation is allowing her essentially a free ride at an expensive private college with no loans to be paid back. The money she spent on books came out of either the nice wad of cash she received at awards night at the end of high school or the nice wad of cash she got at her family graduation party where she also received a nice new fancy laptop and printer. And if that money ever runs out there will always be plenty more for her. So, seriously, I give her my sympathy; it's not fun spending all that money but she has it better than just about anybody else. She's extraordinarily lucky and it is a bit insulting to those of us who are going to be well over twenty thousand dollars in debt by the end of our four years (and I count myself lucky for that, some kids have it even worse).

A lot of people don't realize what they have. I'm probably just as bad though so I guess I can't talk. I mean, everyone is ungrateful for what they have. They get use to their situation and begin to take it for granted.


"Oh you big mouth woman you long legged guitar pickin' man
But we can work this out uh huh yes ma'm I think we can

Well I stole the Hope diamond hopin' I could shut your mouth
But how am I gonna wear it if I got to hide it out "


--Note--
Dylan's new album is actually pretty good. Everyone should go buy it... I didn't because I'm a cheap bastard but everyone else certainly should.

"the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep"

I think the great philosopher Johnny Cash said that. I've been thinking about death a lot recently. A former employee of Eckerd just died at the ramshackle age of thirty two. And from what? Cancer. You're not suppose to die of cancer when you're thirty two. Not only that but she wasn't even diagnosed with it until three months before her death. I like how you can be going through life thinking it's not even half way over when in reality you're about to be saying goodbye to those you love. Is it natural to be frightened of getting older when you're only twenty?

On top of that, my girlfriend's grandfather just died. She was at college and called me up crying. I couldn't comfort her. I didn't know what to say and had to leave for work. Really great way to start off the day.

Death really isn't my cup of tea. I don't believe in any of that fairy tale afterlife shit and I don't believe there's a god and a plan for everyone. There isn't any point to life - death is the only thing you can ever truly count on. All I can think about to comfort myself is that hopefully her grandfather had a good life; one that he was content with when he left it behind.

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I might have just bought my mom one of the lamest birthday gifts in the long sad history of lame gifts sons have given their mothers on their birthday. I got her... a microwave. Pretty fucking sad. It wasn't a particularly great one either (A.K.A. the cheapest one at Wal-Mart) and it's by the same lovely company (General Electric) that made the piece of shit microwave of ours that broke in the first place, leading me to pick up this forlorn gift.

I think this little radiation producing box is an allegory for my penis. It's small and very underpowered. Seriously, the cord is like a foot long. Unless you have outlets installed every six inches in your house you're going to need back up in the form of an extension cord (that's sort one of those sentences where I could have just said 'you're going to need an extension cord' but used more words because I thought it would make me sound smart). Basically this gift says 'happy birthday mom; now go heat me up some left overs.'

I didn't do this on purpose - I just suck at buying gifts for people. For example, I bought my girlfriend a watch for Valentines Day (it was a pretty watch and all but still a watch - I think she just wears it to make me feel better). I'm not as bad as some people in my family though. My cousin got a ruler for Christmas once. It wasn't even a nice ruler. It was one of those cheap wooden Dollar Store ones. And two years in a row I got a bag of rubberbands in my stocking. And I'm not talking about a bag of rubberbands someone picked up at the store. This was a little plastic baggy full of used rubberbands someone had collected over the year. Honestly, if I ever get someone a gift that shitty, I'm giving them permission to punch me in the face.


"So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, if youre gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right."

a hazy way

The Past Few Months of My LIfe in Short:

Moved to Amsterdam, got a job at Finkle Distributors, quit my job at Finkle Distributors two days later, went camping with my girlfriend and her family in the Adirondacks for a week, sold my 1974 BMW 2002, and currently have tonsillitis, am buying a VW Fox, am about to start my new job at an Eckerd Pharmacy, and am about to go to my grandmother's house with my girlfriend for a day of frolicking in the water (as a guy I naturally try to keep my frolicking at a minimum in an effort to save the pathetically small amount of manliness I possess but since I'm with my girlfriend I think I'm allowed a frolic or two).

Finkle distributors takes care of the ever mundane job of providing local convenient stores with a fresh supply of stupid shit to sell to the constantly increasing horde of stupid people ( these are the type of people who think peanut butter and jelly in one jar is the greatest time saving innovation of their lifetime). My first day on the job I went out with Nascar loving Earl and unloaded goody filled totes at numerous stores in the Utica region of New York. This actually was the better of the two days. The second day I got "trained" to read a list of products and put them in totes back at the warehouse. I did that for twelve hours, from 4:30 PM to 4:30 AM. Talk about a rewarding job. If you want to know what that's like, sit in a chair and slowly jam a nail through the tip of your penis for twelve hours straight. If you don't have a penis, try sitting and blowing one for twelve hours straight. It's about that much fun.

Camping was enjoyable despite the driving. I didn't have to do any of it, I just had to listen to my girlfriend complain about it, which is understandable except I was perfectly willing to do some of the driving if only she would allow my to drive her car which she wasn't. It was fun though. We did some camping stuff and even saw a bear. Though, I think the best part was watching my girlfriend's father get trashed each night and then insist he was as sober as a duck, which if you're saying you're as sober as a duck you're clearly pretty fucking drunk because that's not a saying and you'd have to be drunk to think it's witty.

Having tonsillitis really isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. It actually hurts quite a bit. I have disgusting breath too so there's no smooching with the lady who calls me her boyfriend either. Also, there's disgusting white mucus like fungus shit in the back of my throat. Really attractive.

Having to sell my BMW is a travesty but it has to be done. I got more than I paid for it and I'm getting a much more reliable car out of it so it's a deal; I just wish I could keep my car. The job at Eckerds will probably be crap but it's part time so I can still see my favorite person.

Speaking of my favorite person, we've been spending all our time with each other lately. I don't think we haven't slept next to one another in over a month nor do I think I've gone more than a couple hours straight without out her in that time either. We get at each other's throat a bit more now but I think we've done pretty well considering. Besides, once the end of the month rolls around we're off to separate colleges and that will be that. We can talk on the phone but we'll have to go quite some time without seeing one another. I'm not looking forward to that.


--Note--
Saw Clerks II, Lady in the Water, and the new Pirates of the Caribbean. They were all good. Everybody hates Lady in the Water though, but I think that has to do with Everybody sucking so much. If you don't suck then go see it because it was cool.